The Long Hiatus

I was quite naive to think that during the first and second month following my loss that I would be able to form thoughts well enough to blog. I had been living in this all consuming torment that I could not face. I stayed in a place of limbo for several months. Just barely functioning, avoiding anything social. I could not even go to the store because every time I went I either seen a set of twins or somehow would overhear a couple talking about their twins. It was like being slapped in the face every single time I tried to accomplish basic errands. So I stopped, stopped leaving my house unless it was absolutely necessary. I was in a fog from health issues through Thanksgiving and Christmas. Thankfully the kids wanted to decorate the tree or that would have been skipped all together, looking back I'm glad my own grief didn't rob them of what they know is a necessity when it comes to the holidays. They are quite young both under 5 and so the tree really is important at that age. And I am thankful that my girlfriend came over and dug it out of the closet and set it up for me. Between sadness and a worsening health condition that was causing unbearable nerve pain throughout the entire left side of my face, I was just kinda glad not to have to face a holiday head on.  
I found at some point in January that I realized that I had to learn how to live again. My old life died with my baby, that life will never exist again just as she will never physically exist again. After this personal revaluation I started finding myself slowly being able to accept her passing. Even though I still struggle not knowing what caused her death and if it was something that could have been caught and treated. It was just simply realizing and accepting that nothing was going to change the fact that she was forever gone. I also understood at this point that I did not have to be in despair any longer. I could still miss her, love her, and hold her in my heart and mind always. I finally stopped feeling guilty about enjoying my other 3 beautiful children. This was such a hard thing for me because I didn't really acknowledge the fact that I felt this way, but in my mind this guilt lived. I quit relentlessly torturing myself. After all this personal healing I even find myself able to experience hope and feel other emotions that I thought were lost forever. Through all of this I have found purpose for my new life. I now realize that I am able to make a difference in other families lives that have experienced the worst personal tragedy imaginable. I am dedicating myself to others like me. Those of us that society doesn't want to know about because it's to hard to face us, and they have no ability to understand the impact that the loss of a child has on us. It has been only 6 months since my daughters passing. There is still pain, unanswered questions, and sorrow as these things will always exist because she is loved. But she is here with me in this life, she has helped me find peace and purpose and I am and will always be greatful for her, she is my sweet and beautiful Angel ever present and loved.


I do everything a little differently because you were here. 
Your short life has shaped my existence forever.
Jane Lloyd

2 Month Angelversary

So the 27th was the 2 month Angelversary for Evangelyn. So sad are the losses that we endure. I always thought is was so terrible losing a loved one, a grandparent a parent, ect. But to lose someone so precious as a child can never be understood or contemplated. My grief is so deep that I feel lost in it.
I love you and miss you eternally my sweet Angel!


You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body and knit me together in my mothers womb. 
Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex! 
Your workmanship is marvelous-how well I know it.
You watched me as I was being formed in utter seclusion, as I was woven together in the dark of the womb.
You saw me before I was born. Every day of my life was recorded in your book. 
Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed.

The Space Between Reality and Longing

I wan't to finish my death story, I hate to call it that by the way but in reality that's what it is isn't it. But for now I need to express this inability to accept the reality that my baby has died my beautiful piece of me and her twin sister that no longer exists here on earth with us. Instead I find myself stuck in longing. Longing to hold her precious body, longing to see how she would be today as a 3 month old. Longing to see how she would interact with her twin and her older brother and sister. She payed special attention to them in the 2 months she was here with us it was almost like she knew she had to imprint on her surviving siblings. She wanted them to remember her and how sweet and perfect she was. I just long for her and in reality I can't let her go.


EvANGELyn
Tiny Angel rest your wings 
sit with me for awhile. 
How I long to hold your hand, 
And see your tender smile. 
Tiny Angel, look at me, 
I want this image clear.... 
That I will forget your precious face 
Is my biggest fear. 
Tiny Angel can you tell me, 
Why you have gone away? 
You weren't here for very long.... 
Why is it, you couldn't stay? 
Tiny Angel shook her head, 
"These things I do not know.... 
But I do know that you love me, 
And that I love you so". 
     -Author Unknown

The rest of the story

We found out we were pregnant just before Thanksgiving in 2010. I thought ok 3rd child no big deal we can do this. I have a daughter who is now 5 and a son 2 1/2 years old. By early December I felt like something was up. I had started having terrible growing pains and new it was way to early to be feeling them so I assumed I was further along than I initially thought. But my daughter was running around telling people I was having twins, I never said this to her so I'm not sure where she got the idea. On December 8th I had a doctor's appt. with my family doctor and mentioned these pains. She proceeded to send me to the hospital for an ultrasound to find out the cause. I looked over at the ultrasound machine and saw 2 circles on the screen. I asked the tech is that what I think it is? She replied what do you think you see? I said twins? She said congratulations your 8 weeks along with twins! We were ecstatic! How exciting to be having twins, I always wanted twins since I was a little girl. My brothers are identical mirror opposites. So I knew how amazing twins were. We found out at 19 weeks that we were having fraternal girls. It was a long pregnancy but I was healthy and so were they. At 37 and a half weeks pregnant I drove myself to the hospital with contractions 5 minutes apart out of nowhere. Bryan had to take our son to his grandparents and my daughter was with her other grandma. I started to worry at the hospital when I found out I was dilated to 5cm and they wanted to start the c-section with or without Bryan. Luckily he made it with only a few minutes to spare, I was already in the O.R. The twins were born a minute apart Evangelyn was 6lb. 4oz and Avalyn 5lb. 6oz. Both healthy and needed no assistance. We went home 4 days later. Over the next two months I was the happiest I have ever been. I loved being a mother to twins
it was wonderful. To watch 2 beautiful babies learn to smile was so exciting. I started to think about all the other firsts we would share with these beautiful girls. Playing, sitting, crawling, walking, talking, ect... You never imagine you would wake up on the day they were 8 weeks old and find one of your beautiful girls gone. I screamed and screamed I couldn't stop Bryan came in from the other bed room where he was sleeping to find out what was wrong, he knew instantly. He told me to go call 911 and I told the operator that my daughter was dead, everything from then was a blur. The ambulance and police arrived and worked on her in the ambulance then at the hospital but it was to late she was gone.
In my next post I will tell you what happens after we lost our baby. I don't feel that these things are handled nearly correctly for grieving families.

Do not stand by my grave and weep
I am not there...I do not sleep,
I am a thousand winds that blow
I am a diamond in the snow
I am the sunlight on ripened grain
I am the gentle autumn rain.


When you awake in the morning hush
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circling flight
I am the soft starshine at night
Do not stand by my grave and cry
I am not there...I did not die

It's been 1 month

I had a hard day and night now that's it's been 1 month. I can't say that I'm doing any better. I am not sure that I have found acceptance. I don't know that I feel any hope. I have more of my story to tell but not tonight it is late and I am tired. This is a poem someone sent me I find it appropriate.


God, Take This Child....
By Nancy Scott


Sweet child whom we never really got to know,
It’s hard for us to let you go.
We waited and we wanted you.
We had so many dreams for you.
We think of smiles we'll never see.
We think of events that will never be.
There will be no first steps and no first teeth.
There is only a void and our own grief.
We planned to take you to places far and near.
We yearned to keep you safe and free from fear.
We hoped to show you much of your new world.
We wanted to teach you as your life unfurled.
It’s hard to understand why you, our baby, died.
We feel so numb right now, many tears we’ve cried.
We have so many questions and no answers seem to come.
We tried so hard to save you; nothing could be done.
God, we stand before you broken-hearted
and ask you to heal these lives that must be parted
from this little one we can no longer hold,
who will always be a part of us, even when we're old.
God, take this child in your loving arms.
No more can he suffer any harm.
Bless her always and bless us too.
Be with us and help us to make it through.

9 Hours From Now

In 9 hours 1 month ago I found my daughters lifeless body, she passed in her sleep and I do not have a definitive answer as to why she died. Evangelyn was only 8 weeks old to the day when she passed. She was a twin they were born July 2nd 2011. I was 37 and a half weeks pregnant when I gave birth. They were born by C-section and needed no support at the hospital. Evangelyn was 6lbs. 4oz. and Avalyn was 5lbs. 6oz. 18&1/4in. and 17in. While in the hospital we were there 4 days, the girls did loose a little weight each, they were learning to breastfeed. But by 2 weeks old both were back to their birthweight. I felt that Eva may have been jaundice but none of the doctors seemed to notice and no one said anything to me. I had a WIC appointment 10 days before Eva's passing both babies were weighed and it seemed odd to me that Ava, who was smaller at birth was now weighing more than her sister and also gain 3lbs. compared to her sister just gaining 1lb. again no red flags were raised by this. I even asked if this was unusual. Also other than this they were developing completely normal. I do not blame anyone for the loss of my daughter (although I do sometimes find I blame myself) but I wish someone would have felt some kind of concern in something, I know that it probably would not change anything but I find I am always looking at the what ifs. I think everyone probably does this when they loose a child. Because it goes against nature these things are just not supposed to happen. You love your children more than life itself and would go to the end of the earth and back to protect them. So why on earth would the be taken from you? I have so much more to tell you tonight but it's late and I have a kindergardener to get on the bus in the morning. I would like to end each post with a poem or scripture or verse of some sort. So tonight I will leave you with this It was the poem we had put on the memorial cards we gave out at the service.

God sent an Angel to the earth...
The sweetest Angel too,
And for such a tiny little thing,
She had so much to do.


She knew she did not have
Much time upon this earth to stay,
So she did not waste a second;
She got started right away.


Her eyes were bright and sparkly,
She took in every turn.
She did not miss a single thing,
Because, Evangelyn came to learn!


God sent her here to touch the hearts
Of those He could not reach...
She taught them courage, strength and faith,
Because Evangelyn came to teach.


Her tiny little body
So full of God above,
You felt it when you held her
Because Evangelyn came to love.


When she went home to Jesus,
Her purpose was fulfilled
I know He was so proud of her
When she went home to Him.


But when we miss her OH-SO-MUCH,
You can almost hear Him say,
Please understand, her work was done...
Evangelyn did not come to stay.