The Long Hiatus

I was quite naive to think that during the first and second month following my loss that I would be able to form thoughts well enough to blog. I had been living in this all consuming torment that I could not face. I stayed in a place of limbo for several months. Just barely functioning, avoiding anything social. I could not even go to the store because every time I went I either seen a set of twins or somehow would overhear a couple talking about their twins. It was like being slapped in the face every single time I tried to accomplish basic errands. So I stopped, stopped leaving my house unless it was absolutely necessary. I was in a fog from health issues through Thanksgiving and Christmas. Thankfully the kids wanted to decorate the tree or that would have been skipped all together, looking back I'm glad my own grief didn't rob them of what they know is a necessity when it comes to the holidays. They are quite young both under 5 and so the tree really is important at that age. And I am thankful that my girlfriend came over and dug it out of the closet and set it up for me. Between sadness and a worsening health condition that was causing unbearable nerve pain throughout the entire left side of my face, I was just kinda glad not to have to face a holiday head on.  
I found at some point in January that I realized that I had to learn how to live again. My old life died with my baby, that life will never exist again just as she will never physically exist again. After this personal revaluation I started finding myself slowly being able to accept her passing. Even though I still struggle not knowing what caused her death and if it was something that could have been caught and treated. It was just simply realizing and accepting that nothing was going to change the fact that she was forever gone. I also understood at this point that I did not have to be in despair any longer. I could still miss her, love her, and hold her in my heart and mind always. I finally stopped feeling guilty about enjoying my other 3 beautiful children. This was such a hard thing for me because I didn't really acknowledge the fact that I felt this way, but in my mind this guilt lived. I quit relentlessly torturing myself. After all this personal healing I even find myself able to experience hope and feel other emotions that I thought were lost forever. Through all of this I have found purpose for my new life. I now realize that I am able to make a difference in other families lives that have experienced the worst personal tragedy imaginable. I am dedicating myself to others like me. Those of us that society doesn't want to know about because it's to hard to face us, and they have no ability to understand the impact that the loss of a child has on us. It has been only 6 months since my daughters passing. There is still pain, unanswered questions, and sorrow as these things will always exist because she is loved. But she is here with me in this life, she has helped me find peace and purpose and I am and will always be greatful for her, she is my sweet and beautiful Angel ever present and loved.


I do everything a little differently because you were here. 
Your short life has shaped my existence forever.
Jane Lloyd